You Know You’re Nine Months Pregnant When…

you think about writing a post about being nine months pregnant.  And bam, here it is post-partum. 

Once again, I called out to a group of moms to help me out in writing a post about, well, you read the title.  ;)  So, either you’ll be able to relate, you’ll dread those days when you find yourself in that month, or you’ll just simply give it an eyebrow raise and move on.  But really, whether you want to acknowlege it, we’re all affected by women in their ninth month.  Don’t say, do, or move the wrong way or there will be repercusions.  ;)  Kidding…kinda.

Let’s start with this to set the mood, shall we?  Two nine-month bellies, a year and a half apart:37weeks_thumb[2](more belly side-by-sides where these came from here)


…you can't leave your phone b/c if you fail to answer your mom/dad/MIL/BFF will assume you went into labor and will panic that they weren't called.
…you drop something on accident and kick it under the couch on purpose.  It's dead to you.
…you've quit nesting and gone straight to not giving any, b/c you're STILL pregnant.
…someone asks when you're due and you say tomorrow/today/last week, and they glance down and step away, worried that your water will burst rightthisverysecond and soak their shoes.
…you begin to answer every "Baby yet?" text with angry cat memes. (No? Maybe that's just me...)
Shannon @ Organic Mama’s Shop

…you start running to the bath every evening.  I'm usually not a bath-taker, but I hit the 9th month and my large body aches for how buoyant it is in that water. You cannot get me away from the kids at bedtime fast enough, I just HAVE to take a bath every night.
Ana @ Time Flies When You’re Having Babies

…someone ate the meat and vegetables out of your leftover curry and you start angry crying when there's only rice left.
…ice cream happens at least once a day.
…you refuse to visit any establishment without a bathroom.
…eating is a constant battle between eating too much and getting heartburn and eating too little and being hungry again minutes later.
…you peed your pants a tiny bit while walking into the bathroom stall, but at least you were wearing a liner!  High five.


…the security guard at work asks you not to go into labor in the lobby (little does he know I was actually in early labor for the whole day at work).
…you don't care about anything anymore.
…you stress about your water breaking in public.
…you refer to yourself as a beached whale.

8ac8b44f7d677e8fcdaea9582ad7c63f(image from here)

…your legs and nether regions are like a jungle and you only wear slip-on shoes - ain't no way in hell you're gonna risk trying to shave or tie shoelaces.
…everytime you sneeze and pee yourself, you wait an extra minute before changing panties in case it was actually your water breaking.
…someone mentions "how big you are" or "you're about to pop", you do that awkward fake laugh and imagine smacking them in the face with a chucks pad.

…you count taking a load of laundry to the basement as exercise.

…you throw caution to the wind and ask your hubby to shave your legs

…you consider peeing the bed because it would be much easier than turning and lifting yourself out of bed (again!)

…you crawl up the stairs because walking up them seems like too big of a task.
…you actually tear up when the doctor wants to do an exam - not because of the exam but because getting undressed and redressed seems like SO much work.

…your Google search history is riddled with various versions of how to jump start labor.

…you scare the teenager working the pretzel stand in the mall by crying because she's out of cheese dipping sauce.
…you eat a medium pizza as an appetizer.

…you lose your breath walking any incline.
…Facebook becomes an emotional graveyard with other people actually birthing kids while you're hot and tired and uncomfortable and fat as hell.  Oh and everybody wants to know where the baby is.
…you get excited to cook something yummy but by the time you get home from the grocery and put all that shiiz away you're too freaking tired.  Frozen pizza it is.
…you abandon trying to look cute in maternity clothes in favor of your husbands sweats and undershirts.
…you stop fighting to cover up your belly when at home and just let it happen.

…rolling over in bed is an accomplishment.
…walking up 3-4 steps gets your heart rate going.
…you can't eat much because there is so little room!
…you contemplate peeing yourself because getting up would take so much energy.
…you’re drinking so much RRL tea, prunes, pineapple, EPOs in hopes of starting something.
…you confuse gas pains with contractions and are wishing every twinge of pain is real labor.

…you get unreasonably upset with your unborn child for not being born yet like all of your friend’s babies who are due at the same time.
…you rock back and forth on your birthing ball chanting, "Get out. Get out. Get out.”
…your husband or mom tries to joke with you and you have absolutely no more sense of humor.  Or patience.

…you unintentionally hit yourself with the refrigerator door...everytime!

…every time you roll over in bed it takes so long that you have to get up and pee....again.
…you drop something and have to back up two feet to see where it fell....and you can't even pick it up anyway.

…you waddle everywhere.
…you feel like you might have had a contraction on your due date but really it was probably just gas since your babies have all been over 10 days late.
…all you can think about is when is labor going to start and where will I be...

1344393959373_3492298(image from here)

…Arby's getting your sandwich wrong launches an all out ugly crying spree.

…you sit through the entire Mass because well, you can't breathe going up and down all the time, and all the old ladies stare at you because they think something is going to happen.

…you fall over while trying to get your underwear on.  So embarrassing.

…you sleep so badly that you start looking forward to getting better sleep with a newborn.

…you make plans for a day or two (or a week) from now, thinking that will encourage the baby to come....and you're still around to do whatever it is you planned.  Cue tears.

…you are sweaty 24/7 and there's always the battle between eating and sleeping.

…you can't breathe worth sh*! because your sinuses are swollen shut.
…baby's head is using your bladder as a bouncy house.

…your other kids have watched more tv in the last two weeks than in their entire lives.
…you live on the couch.
…you ask your dr. for a catheter so you don't have to get off the couch.
…you wonder if this is the last night you’re going to bed without a baby...every night.
…you stop wearing cute maternity clothes and just wear the same loose sweats...everyday.
…you've googled "ways to induce labor" at least 1000 times hoping to stumble across a hidden magic formula.

g8gvN72LI9SG2G29XEqWSULZ9he40WDJ_lg(image from here)

And last but definitely not least (and also the one that really ‘cracked’ me up)…

…your husband asks, "was that always a thong?"
He will never live that one down.

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